Don't read this the wrong way, Nicaragua is not crowded, in fact it's still got some of the emptiest lineups in the world. I surfed two hours alone today and between six surf sessions in two days I've surfed with less than two hands worth of people (yes I have all 10 fingers), most of whom I was very happy to see. With that said, you could take a surf trip and travel a lot farther only to find your self smack dab in the middle of a global melting pot of gibberish spewing taxi drivers who took up surfing and used their lack of driving etiquette to guide them through the lineup. It can be daunting, finding some positivity in the midst of a lineup that looks like an Indonesian roundabout at rush hour! Don't fret though, in the absence of traffic cops, we've got some tricks to get you through the jam and into some supertubes...alone.

1. Don't bring the crowd- Surfers love an audience and as much as we might be lone wolf soul surfers (yes I said it!), we love it when our buddies see us get shacked...I don't care if you're Rick, Turtle, Chandler, Burkehart, Vince or even the pidgin' spewing Rocky... you want someone to see you do what you do best- bonus points if it's Kiani watching from the beach. So, North Shore references aside, leave the majority of the friends at home. It's okay to bring one, or even two, but if you're traveling with a group of 10, that doesn't mean you have to wake them all up when the waves are going off to paddle out en masse! We know there are some cultures that do that and you know what countries I'm talking about, but that doesn't mean you have to mimic a bad habit. You want to surf uncrowded waves, don't bring a crowd with you and then complain about it!

2. Get Syncopated- Sorry to use an SAT word on you, but this is to say "find your own rhythm" that is out of rhythm with the rest of the crowd. The beauty of Nicaragua is the predominance of offshore winds all day. So while the rest of the world is getting up at the butt crack of dawn to beat the crowd only to find it crowded, sleep in! With offshore winds all day it's best to plan your surf around tides, swell conditions and the "where and when" other guys aren't surfing. Depending on the spot, the prime time might last up to 4 hours...so sit back for the first two and let the pack battle each other for scraps. When they're nice and tired, you can paddle out fresh, show off your sick moves and watch them take a backseat to the new king (or queen) of the lineup. They'll usually just get out of the water to watch you surf, which is the whole point.

4. The Flinch- You know when you used to fake like you were going to steal the hot cookies mom just baked, but your brother would rush in and grab a cookie before you only to burn the roof of his mouth on a chocolate chip the temperature of Hawaiian hot lava.? You can use this ego driven selfish flinch instinct in the lineup. As you get to know the wave use the flinch instinct of your fellow surfers to fake them into paddling for a wave you don't want. Like if you see a big set out the back...flinch fast and start paddling for the little fore runner runt wave in front of the set. This can get the aggressive guy/s that just back-paddled you to paddle for the shitty wave. Give him a good run though, paddle him deep so he doesn't make his wave, then veer off out the back in time to catch the actual wave you wanted. Bonus points if the selfish prick sees you get spit out of a barrel right before he duck dives the wave he could have had if he wasn't such a dick in the first place.

5. The Old Bull- Once there was a young bull and an old bull sitting on a hill chewing their cuds and watching the herd of heffers down below in the pasture. The young bull, very excited jumps up to the old bull and half choking on grass and says "Hey, let's run down there and get one of those heffers?!"...The old bull, slowly chewing and in a soothing voice says to the young bull, "I was thinking I would walk myself down there and have them all..." The moral of the story is, be the old bull. You let those young ones run around chasing everything while missing half the herd. You just wait for the best waves and let your patience and wisdom let you show the herd whose the old bull in the pasture. 70% of the time it works every time.

6. The Shepherd- One of my favorites and a method that takes at least one other player to work. When there's a crowd of back-paddling leap froggers that just paddle to the inside of you every time to get position, just keep paddling deeper "shepherding" them off the takeoff spot. This works at points of course and not necessarily beach breaks or A framed waves. It works by one guy pushing the lineup deeper and deeper until the douche bags are so aggressive with positioning that they can't actually make the wave. It's a sacrifice, while one guy volunteers to shepherd the back-paddlers deeper, the rest of your group is just hanging out wide, or on the button, waiting for the sets from the perfect spot. Just be careful (Insert favorite surfer's name here) or some other Super Human surfer isn't actually coming down the line and going to make the barrel of the day... that's a bad scenario. Bonus points though, if you're the shepherd, you can "flinch" the crowd at the first waves of the set, then sprint back to the button to catch the wave of the day while they're all caught too deep or inside. Take that you back paddling shit heads!

7. The Nice Guy- I particularly like to use this one on young bulls, often in the form of volunteer interns I've brought down on work trade. I give them respect and priority in the lineup to teach them good habits- but I'm not above using the Nice Guy trick on them. Typically these kids don't have the eye for the best waves. Having lived here for 7 years I can see the subtleties of one wave vs. the next. If you're my guests, I'll use what I know to "wizard" you into waves as best I can. For people that aren't my guests or are a frothy greenhorn intern who spend more time surfing than pulling weeds, I'm just a nice guy. The nice guy that sees a good wave coming that about to keg and another one out the back, but knows the first wave is better. Before the victim gets a chance to pick their wave, I say something like "hey, you want this little one or the big one out the back?"....the psychology is simple, of course they're gonna go for the big one. So while you whip around inside of them and hook into that little drainer across the reef, they sprint for the big one outside, either not making it in time, or finding that the bigger wave is mush and swinging wide of the best part of the reef. You look like a nice guy...and this works for a while, often long enough for the interns 3 month stretch to be up and you can send them on their way thinking you were the most gracious guy in the lineup.

Surely there are some other tricks out there we don't know, or maybe we just don't want to give them all away here. A couple of the most basic tricks not even listed here because they're not tricks so much as rules, are the "Don't be a dick rule", followed closely by the "Don't fuck up" rule. If you're constantly breaking etiquette (back paddling, snaking, burning, not waiting your turn), missing waves, or blowing the ones you do catch...you are the crowd. Please stop breathing, or at least get out of the water and let the rest of us surf in peace. We're not out there to teach you etiquette or to give you surf lessons, you were supposed to learn those from the movie The North Shore. Lessons are what you get when you do fuck up...hopefully they're hard lessons and hopefully you learn from them. Now get out there and surf, you can have the first wave, I'll take the next one out the back;-)